An excerpt from Graeme and Julia’s newly released book
In a world where pain and hurt are inevitable, forgiveness emerges as a beacon of hope and emotional freedom. Forgiveness is not about excusing or condoning the actions that caused us harm; rather it is about freeing ourselves from the shackles of bitterness and resentment that weigh heavily on our hearts. It’s an active choice, a powerful tool that empowers us to reclaim our peace and happiness.
Many of us believe that forgiveness is conditional, dependent on the remorse and the apology of the offender. This traditional model places the power in the hands of the perpetrator, leaving the victim in a state of helplessness. However, true forgiveness transcends this limitation offering the wounded person the opportunity of taking control of their own healing process.
Embracing the truth that forgiveness is a choice we are free to make, and that it benefits us, not the perpetrator of the hurt, sets us free from the emotional imprisonment that hinders our growth and wellbeing and negatively impacts our relationships with those we love. We can now release the need for revenge and retribution, understanding that no amount of punishment can erase the pain we have endured. Forgiveness allows us to break the cycle of hurt and anger, and to address our own negative reactions and behaviours that are the consequence of internalising our bitterness and resentment.
Whenever we speak or write about forgiveness, we are fully aware that to many listeners or readers, the assumption that they would consider forgiving their hurter is offensive. The very suggestion may even seem abusive to them. We understand this. We have been there. Many of you reading this have been there too. The idea of forgiving a drunk driver for causing the death of our child, a family member for breaching trust, or an individual for abuse, is very challenging. Forgiving a person when the damage they caused in the past continues to negatively impact our lives is unthinkable. You do not have to agree, of course, but we think that it is unthinkable to many because they do not understand what forgiveness is.
From our childhood we have been taught that if you have been wronged by another person, they should apologise and if you think they are appropriately remorseful, you will accept their apology and that constitutes forgiveness. Does that sound fair? Or just? Most people who have been hurt by others will find this model ineffective, even inappropriate.
In our book Forgiveness. The Key To Emotional Freedom, we teach that freedom from our emotional prison is only possible when we choose to forgive the hurter for the wrong’s they have committed against us. Hence the chief beneficiary is the forgiver not the forgiven.
The Hebrew word ‘Salach’, and the Greek word, ‘Apheimi,’ both mean ‘to set free’ or ‘to set loose’ and both words are translated in the Bible as ‘forgiveness’. The true significance of these words is, ‘when we forgive another, we free ourselves from revenge-based resentment that threatens to consume us. We are most likely to do this when we realise that being the victim, the judge and the hangman is costing us too much.
It is not possible to over-emphasise the high cost of living in a prison of resentment. It drains every ounce of energy from us. As the victim, we are demanding justice and retribution, but none appears to be given. As the judge no sentence we impose will be enough. As the hangman we face the reality that even a hanging will not take away our pain.
So we live, believing that nothing will ever change. Out of fear of being hurt again, we build walls and retreat into our private pain. The very worst aspect of living in this prison is that we are not the only ones who are suffering. Our negative emotions, behaviours and reactions, triggered by wounds and memories, frequently hurt the people who love us. As hurt people we now become hurters and a new generation of people living in their private prisons begin their own experience of living angry and resentful lives.
It does not have to be like this. We do not have to wait for our hurter to apologise. There is a better way. Forgive.
We are deeply challenged by the words of Paul to the Colossian Christians. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive, as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love which binds them altogether in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14.